The hotel occupancy rate on Oahu is at 93%, yet the only Waikiki hotel that's losing business is the Trump International, where foot traffic and bookings have seen a 14% drop since the beginning of the year. Nationwide, bookings at Trump Hotels have apparently decreased by a whopping 59% during the same period.

So, if Donald Trump thought running for president represented some kind of a compelling marketing strategy, he looks to have been grossly mistaken.

(a) Morning;

(b) Afternoon;

(c) Evening.

As (please choose only one of the following, d through t):

(d) A devoted husband who loves his wife;

(e) A devoted wife who loves her husband;

(f) A concerned father of [INSERT NO. HERE] young children;

(g) A concerned mother of [INSERT NO. HERE] young children;

(h) An insanely jealous woman who'd go all Lorena Bobbitt on her sorry-a$$ed man if I ever heard him talking like that;

(i) An incensed and controlling mother who'd kick her son's a$$ from here to next Sunday if I ever heard him talk like that, and I really don't care if he IS [INSERT NO. HERE] years old;

(j) A dutiful child who for years has tried in vain to please my increasingly bitter and sullen parents, who themselves were terribly disappointed that I wasn't born of the opposite sex instead, and who never miss an opportunity to tell me so, especially when they can also embarrass me in front of company;

(k) A thoroughly intimidated and browbeaten mouse of a man who lives in abject fear of (h);

(l) A human doormat who deeply resents the fact that he is (j) and lives in mortal terror of (i);

(m) (d) and (f) only;

(n) (d), (f) and (j) only;

(o) (f) and (k) only;

(p) (e) and (g) only;

(q) (e), (g) and (h) only;

(r) (e) and (i) only;

(s) (j) and (k) only;

(t) (k) and (l) only;

I am appalled and very much saddened by the inappropriate and coarse comments that I heard from our party's presidential nominee on that audio recording today. Therefore, after considerable soul-searching, I have decided to (please choose only one of the following, u through z):

(u) Rescind my personal endorsement of our nominee, and instead urge my fellow Republicans to vote for Hillary Clinton;

(v) Denounce our nominee, resign from the GOP, campaign for Hillary Clinton and further tell anyone who continues to deny the existence of global warming that they must have schitt for brains;

(w) Forgive and forget, and cravenly urge all Americans to rally around our  party's nominee and vote for him anyway, because I live in desperate fear of being challenged in the next primary by our own Looney Tunes Republican base;

(x) Double down on stupid, point out in a series of unhinged tweets that "Bu-bu-bu-but, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky!" and irresponsibly incite the more insane members of our own Looney Tunes Republican base to resort to Second Amendment remedies in the event our nominee is defeated because freedom and liberty;

(y) Finally bust open that bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label that I thought I was saving for a special occasion because no matter what I say at this point, my a$$ is likely grass with voters and now I have to see if I can find a real job on K Street;

(z) Take a long hike along the Appalachian Trail (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more).

Trump is like Sonny Corleone: the in-your-face known quantity. Cruz is Michael: the unctuous, calculating, snake in the grass, who, as an added bonus, also happens to believe he has God on his side.

Cruz stuck his finger in the air and made the calculation that his career in "God is a Republican" country would be over if he didn't endorse Trump, and he's probably right.

(a) p*ssy

Obviously, at this late stage, the GOP should be required to carry its nominee to term.