Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists

The following allegedly were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. I culled it down to the best ten.

#10 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#9 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#!*!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[hat tip to the Keys fishing guy.]

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  • Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#1)
    by Ernesto Del Mundo on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:34 PM EST
    That's odd...I've never stepped in monkey $#!*! at a fair. Cow $#!*! , sheep $#!*! , and even llama $#!*! yes, but never monkey $#!*!.

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#2)
    by DawesFred60 on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    No,No..I just call the pig's names and have fun being beaten, and when i start to go to sleep i yell out your mother's amd your fathers are doing something in hell, ##$#...and i see the stars. Freedom is not just a word but a good beating inside the empire. you know the cop is mad when your Handcuffs cut off your feet; little joke, or when the judge toss a book at you for real, and your lawyer runs out of the courtroom yelling i don't know him. but no joking i love cops and can't wait until i can show it for real in the coming total collapse of this non nation. I would like to think of my- self as being behind the lines in some world war two movie waiting for hitler, if you know what i mean?, cannot say more in the land of freedom. think of cops as communist party people and have fun. cops must be stopped when the cop is a gang memeber and so many are just that. evil must alway be attacked and the empire must fall. "only joking" ok maybe not?

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#3)
    by Patrick on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    There are enough legitimate issues to criticize out there that one does not need to regurgitate the contents of a chain e-mail, and then claim them as alleged fact. Once again, your bias is showing.

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#4)
    by nolo on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    Oh, come on Patrick. Several of the undoubtedly apocryphal "quotes" are pretty funny, and they're hardly *all* anti-cop. If anything, several seem to reflect the exasperation cops undoubtedly feel when they have to deal with stupid things that are said to them at traffic stops (Nos. 6, 5, 3, 2 and 1 clearly fall into this category).

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#5)
    by Talkleft Visitor on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    TL- Thanks for the morning chuckle. Patrick- Let me know your paypal address, and I'll send you a couple of bucks so you can buy a sense of humor.

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#6)
    by Talkleft Visitor on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    My brother in law is a retired cop & had some doozies to tell me. Best cop joke: After being chased for awhile by a state trooper the old man finally pulled over and when asked why he was running... he said... "my wife ran away with a trooper years ago...and I thought you were bringing her back"!

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#7)
    by Talkleft Visitor on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    I actually don't think it's funny. (Will take that few $$ Adept). My reason is that giving an answer in kind could cost you your life. In my misspent youth (the biker chick phase for those of you who keep track), my boyfriend and I were driving out to Western Mass. on Rt.2. We were pulled over by a Trooper (who we learned later had it in for bikers - notches on his belt or something)who told my boyfriend "Don't you know that 'colors' (the "club" patch on his leather vest) aren't allowed on State Patrolled Highways?. He then decided the case on the lower part of the engine (where the VIN #'s are on a bike) looked "tampered with". He arrested us (both!) for "stealing a motorcycle" and "altering the numbers". We were separately taken to State Police HQ down the road, where he was stripped to his underwear and placed in a cell. I (rather skimpily dressed as it was a hot summer day and we were en route to a picnic), was handcuffed to a pole in the middle of the room these guys hung out in and subjected to stares, jokes and taunts). The arrest and subsequent charges were published in the local paper and my parents, relatives and friends all thought I had been unknowingly duped into participating in some kind of crime/theft ring. We had to hire a lawyer and pay him $2,000 to represent our case, which, as we could trace the ownership of the 1958 Panhead back for at least the past fifteen years was thrown out of court. Closeup photos taken of the "altered numbers" showed that the "alteration" was merely a scratch on the lower case from a rock kicked up or such. The judge berated the trooper and the whole trial lasted about fifteen minutes. Had we not had the two grand for a good lawyer? Had we been black or hispanic? I might have had a felony on my record and done some time. As it was the bike had been impounded the whole time and we were never able to even get the whole thing back. We had to bring a mechanic to State Police HQ to remove the part of the engine (the lower case for those of you in the know) - the numbers and everything behind them, leaving half the engine behind on the floor. This experience, happening as it did when I was about 20, has informed my opinion of police and my take on politics immensely. So... sorry for not laughing. Can still remember a little too well how those tight handcuffs felt.

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#8)
    by Mreddieb on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:35 PM EST
    Mfox Watch what you say here, I'll bet you'll be hearing a lot of "Wild biker chick behind bars" comments from now on! LOL

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#9)
    by Talkleft Visitor on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:36 PM EST
    In honor of the spirit of the post, here are the Top 10 things NOT to say to the cop who pulled you over: 10 - But ossifer, ... (Nothing that comes after that can help;-) 9 - But officer, I had to speed to get home before I ran out of gas. 8 - Sorry, I couldn't hear the siren over the voices in my head. 7 - Of course I know how fast I was going, but why the f%#@! should I tell you? 6 - Is this going to take long? your wife gets pi$$ed if I'm late to the motel. 5 - I had my seatbelt on, but I had to take it off to put my gun in the glove compartment. 4 - I don't mind you looking in the trunk if you don't mind the sight of blood. 3 - Going too fast? Funny that's just what your daughter said to me last night. 2 - Of course I have needles in my pockets! Surely you didn't think I would leave them floating in the employee's toilet at work!? And the number one thing NOT to say to a cop when pulled over: 1 - Nice Glock, betcha ya can't outdraw my Magnum! Honorable mention: Hey, where's the indian chief, sailor and construction worker? Thanks, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your hostess.

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#10)
    by jackl2400 on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:37 PM EST
    I'm with you mfox, perhaps in some Norman Rockwellesque days of yore, the neighborhoood cop could be a friendly figure goodheartedly jibing with sheepish miscreants, but after 30 years of a militarized War on [some users of some] Drugs, SWAT teams, raids and generalized Gestapo tactics often predicated on a bogus traffic stop, I don't see anything funny about cops, real or popular (as in Fox's "Cops"). My paradigm is that most of them are corrupt and evil because of the WoD, and yes, any temptation to joke back to the cop to any of these top ten supposed guffaw-inducing japes would at best get you the (fairly typical) tight handcuff torture or at worst, a slip and fall down a flight of stairs on the way to the station house. And, really, while #1 makes a good standup routine (with a rimshot), I find it hard to believe that a cop would say something like that, which, while a clever slam (telling the motorist the cop doesn't think she's "pretty"), that seems like something that might tend to be mentioned in a citizen complaint that the cop's supervisor might not be terribly pleased to have to deal with. Just didn't sound real to me...more contrived for a good punch line. (Speaking as someone who once had to later answer for my belligerant passenger when we were driving a an official government car and had an altercation at a rest stop with someone who objected to our alleged speeding in which some rude but funny words were spoken...but the consequence was that three months later, a lot of grovelly apologetic memoranda of explanation and letters had to be written, and the Governor's office was not terribly amused by my passenger and colleague's jocular suggestions to that busybody on the Thruway).

    Re: Top Ten Comments of Cops to Motorists (none / 0) (#11)
    by kdog on Sat Dec 17, 2005 at 12:59:38 PM EST
    As tempted as I've been to mouth off and speak my mind during my run-ins with john law; I just give 'em my name, rank, and serial number. I am the enemy in the war on drugs.