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Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Efforts

Can you imagine having your house searched and the cop who walks in with the Kevlar vest using the two-way radio is a monkey?

[A] police SWAT team in Mesa, Ariz., has applied for $100,000. from the federal government to buy a capuchin monkey and train it to perform law enforcement duties. Until now, monkeys have only been on the other side of the law, but officers say a police monkey could search buildings, find bodies, and gather information with a video camera and two-way radio. The officer who wrote the application says the monkey itself would cost $15,000, with the rest of the grant going toward equipment and upkeep.

The monkey would be trained in special-ops intelligence.

Since 1979, capuchin monkeys have been trained to be companions for people who are quadriplegics by performing daily tasks, such as serving food, opening and closing doors, turning lights on and off, retrieving objects and brushing hair.

....Weighing only 3 to 8 pounds with tiny humanlike hands and puzzle-solving skills, Truelove said it could unlock doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command. Dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go.

Update: From Drug War Rant:

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    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#1)
    by wishful on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 11:52:32 AM EST
    I can't do it...this is just TOO easy.

    This is a great idea, Monkeys are very agile and learn quickley but I'll bet the talk Shows will have a field dy with it!

    monkey see, monkey do. Is that what you tacitly reference, wishful? 15,000 dollars for a monkey? I wish I were worth as much as a monkey.

    Know what monkeys do when angry, upset or frightened? They defecate in their hands and throw it at the offender. Let that into your house?

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#5)
    by Che's Lounge on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 12:24:40 PM EST
    George Bush in... POLICE MONKEY This fall on Fox!

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#6)
    by Dadler on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 12:46:57 PM EST
    rodents are next. then it'll be roaches free the monkey! free the monkey! anyone want a toke?

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#7)
    by kdog on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 12:57:24 PM EST
    The capuchin could help raise the median IQ of the department!

    Too funny- My biggest question, What the hell will a monkey do with a two way radio?? I can see calling him voice commands, but what is he going to say back??

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#9)
    by roger on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 01:14:48 PM EST
    First, they need to teach the monkey how to lie effectively

    They tried Repuglicans but the monkey won out every time!

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#11)
    by kdog on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 01:41:12 PM EST
    I see a potential for a suspect to bribe the capuchin with a few bananas.

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#12)
    by wishful on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 01:52:42 PM EST
    So, the handsome young man arrives home from work, to be greeted by his pretty young wife, as usual. She saw that he looked kind of down, and asked what was wrong. "There were rumors that some of us might be replaced by short, brown individuals." "Oh, honey", she replied, "they can outsource you! You are a policeman!" Poor guy just didn't know how to explain the rest of his story to his wife.

    Cops are Monkeys what's your point? and most are gang members on top of that, so whats one more monkey?

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#15)
    by Sailor on Wed Apr 20, 2005 at 02:46:00 PM EST
    They tried gorillas first ... but they kept getting promoted.

    maybe you should send these brilliant folks a Stoner eGreeting Card [link deleted, not in html format] We taxpayers gave money to create these things...might as well use'm.

    O.K, the jokes are coming waaay to easy on this one, but I should point out, having practiced in Arizona that this seriously might raise the average I.Q. of the Mesa Police Department. And unlike Mesa cops, monkeys aren't inclined to take steroids, beat the crap out of people or commit perjury. perjury.

    After being attacked by an oceanside police Monkey I can now call myself a criminal. it was fun and really Educational, I now understand not to turn on a green lights. and yes this is normal for our insane government to do, money time mean nothing. what about Animal rights?

    "Can you imagine having your house searched and the cop who walks in with the Kevlar vest using the two-way radio is a monkey?" Why... yes.

    Posted by dadler at April 20, 2005 01:46 PM rodents are next. then it'll be roaches
    Actually Dadler, I temped at a government research lab a few years ago. One of the projects "under consideration" was a proposal to put tiny cameras on cockroaches and, directing them by tiny electrodes attached to their muscles, ....have them "spy". I think a lot of the digital camera technology research aimed at downsizing them had this (hey they may have actually done this!) in mind.

    Okay... I tried to resist. I know there's a joke about Dunkin Donuts in here somewhere - I'm so tired I just can't put it together. So if you shoot a monkey cop are you prosecuted for murder of a police officer or cruelty to animals? In the monkey cop's office... a picture of his/her two role models side by side - the astronaut chimp and G W Bush.

    Top ten reasons to hire a monkey for your police department: 10.) His uncle is in charge of personnel. 9.) The chief has arachniphobia so Spider Monkeys were out. 8.) He can't rat out his partners. 7.) The Feds needed an undercover agent to investagte Koko's sexual abuse allegations. 6.) My partner quit and this is the only replacement I could convince the Feds to pay for. 5.) Capuchin, oh, I thought it said cappuchino, and we spent the other $75k on a Dunkin Donuts machine. 4.) All the baboons had higher offices. 3.) When depressed he slings feces instead of swallowing his gun. 2.) Every time we hired gorillas they got reassigned to Rampart. 1.) Daryl (and his other brother Daryl) Gates weren't available. Thanks, I'll be here all week. But seriously folks, I've played in Mesa, they need a monkey on their force like I need a monkey on my back.

    Bows deeply to Rocker. Props LOL.

    most cops are monkeys anyway

    I think I would rather have the monkey in the house than some of the cops I've known.

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#25)
    by kdog on Thu Apr 21, 2005 at 10:10:10 AM EST
    Watch your back on that drug search chimpy, it's a jungle out there.

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#26)
    by cp on Thu Apr 21, 2005 at 11:00:27 AM EST
    this was just too easy, and you guys beat me to all the good responses! lol

    Maybe they could train the monkey to take over Delay's job.

    Check out my URL and you'll know that I love good cops...it's those bad ape-lles in the barrel I worry about... This story means I can now revise my favorite Blonde joke. A cop pulls a Monkey over for speeding. He asks the Monkey for a photo ID and the monkey hands him a makeup mirror. The cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, "Hell, if I realized you were a cop, I would never have pulled you over!" I'm here all week opening for that other guy above.

    Dude, I work alone ... and now everyone knows why. (rimshot;-)

    To quote Spongebob... Bwaaaahahahahahahah

    Re: Drug Cops Seek to Use Monkey in Enforcment Eff (none / 0) (#31)
    by Dadler on Fri Apr 22, 2005 at 10:53:18 AM EST
    mfox, i actually remember reading a story about that research, which is why i used it. it's true! and i swear they already use rodents for something. maybe not. but nothing surprises me any more. makes me laugh, cry, growl in anger, sure, but nothing comes as a surprise.

    Gee, just think of all the people out there who have been rejected for police service reading this article...

    From CHiPS to CHiMPS??? Go for it!!