Jimmy Kimmel on Killing Osama Bin Laden

Don't miss Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight (ABC, midnight ET) on the killing of Osama Bin Laden. Transcript below: [More...]

Jimmy on the President’s announcement that Osama Bin Laden was killed

“Did you hear what happened last night? What happened on Khloe and Lamar? Apparently - after nine years of searching - last night, America voted - and Osama Bin Laden was eliminated from the planet Earth. It was down to him and James Durbin.”

“He (the President) was happy. I would like us to kill him every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week. The news spread very quickly. I think it was the first Twitter death rumor ever that turned out to be true.

And, of course, it explains why the royal couple postponed their honeymoon to Abbottabad.”

“After all the talk about caves, he turned out to be hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.”

“There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection - it was surrounded by security walls - the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.”

“All the details about how the operation went down are starting to come out – but what we don’t know is - who actually put the bullets in Osama bin Laden’s skull. They keep saying we may never know – but I am here to tell you tonight that – I do know - and it was me.

On Sunday night, I led a team of Navy Seals into Abbottabad. We traveled by helicopter, under a moonless sky. We got into the compound by pretending we were there to deliver a pizza. And then, we stormed the mansion – there was a firefight. I kicked down the door – and there was Bin Laden, in his pajamas – or maybe those were his regular clothes – it’s hard to tell the difference. I could tell he was scared. I raised my gun. I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘The tribe has spoken. B*tch.’ And then I fired two bullets into his head. We call that a double tap. And now – I guess I’m a hero. Those guys – those Navy Seals really are heroes. Never mind the bravery - could you imagine killing bin Laden and then not telling anyone? I’d tell everyone! I’d tell bin Laden. ‘Guess what? I’m here to kill you!’”

This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be - I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex - today was the day!

Jimmy on reports that Bin Laden’s body was buried at sea…

“By the way, ‘buried at sea” – means “dumped in the ocean.’ That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.

And so – Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.”

“Meanwhile – between the death of Bin Laden and the marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William - it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.”

Jimmy on Donald Trump

“Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’

By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live has an app you can download to your iPhone and iPad:

< Monday Night Open Thread | Pakistan Newspaper's Alernate Reality of Osama Bin Laden Raid >
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  • Display: Sort:
    hilarious (5.00 / 1) (#2)
    by jharp on Mon May 02, 2011 at 11:45:48 PM EST
    I laughed as hard as I have laughed in years. Hilarious with the film edit when Obama finished his speech and did the fist pump and kicked his heels in the air.

    As funny as anything I have seen in a long time.

    Thanks. Still laughing. Hope to see it again.

    Agree (none / 0) (#4)
    by Jeralyn on Tue May 03, 2011 at 01:04:55 AM EST
    and so many funny parts. The burial at sea part was really something. The Trump part was well done too. And the tweet from the person who was mad the didn't get right back to Brothers and Sisters after the announcement.

    The Democrats got better intelligence (none / 0) (#1)
    by hairspray on Mon May 02, 2011 at 10:24:24 PM EST
    and used it better than the GOP.  That is called competence.  Obama is a shoo-in for 2012.

    YES. (5.00 / 1) (#3)
    by lilburro on Tue May 03, 2011 at 12:26:17 AM EST
    It also validates for example Obama choosing Panetta as CIA Director over someone from the Bush Administration.  Clearly a fresh start worked in this case.  Brennan stayed on which...I don't know what to say about that really.  But if he thought torture worked I imagine we would've shredded the EO against it by now.  If anyone "was there" when the interrogations that led to these early tips were happening, it was him.

    Stephen Kappes left the CIA I believe last fall.  Remember, we were all supposedly in a hopeless defenseless liberal utopia had some of these guys not been promoted to the highest positions in the Obama Administration.  To his great credit, Obama assembled a team that reflected a new POV (but for Brennan, whose position was in part determined by an outcry from the left, IMO).  And that approach - we don't need to torture, we need to be smart - appears to have paid off.  I have problems with Obama, I don't like how Bradley Manning has been treated, I don't like that Gitmo is still open, etc.  but I don't think Obama's leadership in terms of FP in this area has been lacking.  In fact it sounds like Panetta played no small role in this.  And IMO the fact that Panetta was CIA Director was in part due to liberals saying, we do not want Bush 2.0 as CIA Director.

    In terms of change, in this area, I think Obama has delivered.  Our "weak" CIA Director and "socialist" President completed an important mission.  By doing what they said they'd do (apparently, anyway).  It's a good thing.  My 2 cents.


    I wish (5.00 / 1) (#5)
    by Ga6thDem on Tue May 03, 2011 at 05:42:13 AM EST
    I was sure the torture wasn't still going on.

    I don't think the Obama Administration (5.00 / 1) (#6)
    by lilburro on Tue May 03, 2011 at 08:09:43 AM EST
    has been as good or clear with regard to human rights/torture as I would like (Bradley Manning, Bagram, possible renditions).  However, I feel confident that the brutal torture system that Bush put into place is gone.  I think that's worth pointing out in light of OBL's capture/death.  

    As the NYTimes said (echoing this AP article):

    Much will be made of the fact that the original tip came from detainees at the prison at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. There is no evidence that good intelligence like this was the result of secret detentions or abuse and torture. Everything suggests the opposite.

    Agree. If Bush's regime had worked they would (5.00 / 1) (#7)
    by ruffian on Tue May 03, 2011 at 08:36:55 AM EST
    have found Bin Laden a long time ago. I agree with all of your opinions, and after this episode have even higher hopes for Panetta as Sec of Defense.

    I agree wholeheartedly (none / 0) (#8)
    by hairspray on Tue May 03, 2011 at 05:15:45 PM EST